Some children are more resilient than others. I only remember being “in the moment” while having sex with my ex boyfriend a hand full of times because I would constantly zone out. I’m worried that this could be some sort of sexual abuse thing, but I’m not sure. When I started to bring it up in therapy, it was seen as another manifestation of my mental illness. I can’t enjoy being with my husband. Good luck. Knowing exactly what happened won’t change that, only seeking support and dealing with it will. As you can see in the article and comments, you can’t ‘find out’ if you were abused unless someone builds a time machine. The fact that he used to be verbally and occasionally physically abusive probably contributes to that and that’s all I’ve chalked it up to. We recommend you read our connected article as well about what to do next if you think you were abused All the best, HT. I felt so guilty of what I did and could not tell anyone. We’d advise you read our guide to what to do if you feel you might have been abused it outlines how to approach this. The science teacher asked why I was in the boys’ restroom and whether I had a “good time” in there. But nothing more. What you DO know. For example, there could be several reasons you ‘feel creepy’ about your dad, so that alone is definitely not enough to go by. It can take time to find someone we feel comfortable with, and quite a few sessions are needed for the trust to develop, but when it does start to work, it is incredibly helpful. It’s not, by the way, a ‘mental illness’ to be depressed, anxious, or worry you were abused. I’m scared something happened and I don’t know what to do. Hello, there are unfortunately no long-term effects of abuse. whenever someone even lays their hand or even their head on my stomach i tense up and my muscles start moving sort of like im trembling or something, i cannot even do it myself without getting the willies. When I go outside, I feel constantly as if I am going to be caught and raped- any passing vehicle, any look from a male. Even before 6 grade and 7grade when I was diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety. Hello, i dont know if i have been sexually abused as a child but i have always known that something has been wrong. Abuse also throws you into victim mode. It’s normal to wish we could know what happened in our lives, but it does not help. i told her last night i saw him two summers ago bc he does construction and i haven’t seen him in awhile he called my name while i was walking down a hill and i froze.. honestly truly i looked at him and i was stuck. Hi Liz, unfortunately we can never ‘know’ a lot of the time unless we find a time machine. Did you choose these therapists yourself? And my brother obviously witnessed something or Idk cuz he was acting out also. And How Can You Manage Them? I don’t know if I was molested, I also can only remember one thing. My mind immediately went back to a man I used to study acting with. If you are not comfortable talking to your mother about your experiences (and many, many clients find sharing their past trauma with parents incredibly difficult), would it be an idea to get comfortable with your therapist first, share this with a therapist and work it through in the therapy room, and share with your mother if/when in the future that feels comfortable for you? But now all the disgust and the memories are coming back. If not, do you have the budget to hire a counsellor? I was stuck in a uncomfortable position and my heart was beating soooo fast. Getting raped, I cannot admit to myself that this is a possibility, but…if this is really what happened, and it’s haunting me without any memory of it, I think I just need an experts opinion, I’m at my last breath here. A gynaecological exam would be useful only directly following the event. I don’t want her to feel guilty or bad for me when I don’t even know if anything happened. It’s always super hard to not be certain. Then he asked me to sit on his lap so i did i had shorts on n he kept touching my legs i remember him saying something but i dont remember what . But a proper, good therapist would be helping you work through this fear, as well as what seems a belief you have to have sex even if you don’t want to (? I’m not allowed to go to therapy so I have no idea what to do. But also, when I was 8 or 9, my stepbrother used to touch me in a way that was extremely inappropriate. You need to find someone to talk to. Finally, try to go easy on yourself. We would say there is a charity with a help line here in the UK for men suffering concerning thoughts, you might find these pages helpful you could also contact them to see if they knew of UK-based counsellors who are sensitive about this subject and can help. Is what my stepbrother did considered sexual abuse? I’m sorry if this might seem confusing or stupid but English it’s not my first language. In the possible memory, my cousin who would have been around 14 at the time, asked me if I wanted to play a really cool game. Nothing was ever mentioned again. But as an adult, i can’t help but wonder what happened to make my ordinarily over protective mother, not take action? For professional support from a qualified therapist, you can visit our sister site to book counselling easily and quickly, worldwide. I said no of course. If you ever feel really upset, and live in the UK, there is a great free hotline, Childline, where you can talk to someone. But so far I haven’t found anyone like that. As it’s not about what did or didn’t happen that helps here, it’s about how you help yourself manage, this is the only thing you can now control. Ever since the trauma I had that caused the diagnosis, life has gotten almost unbearable. Mind UK has good articles for teens, and then there is Childline (0800 1111) – the number won’t show up on the phone bill, so nobody in your family needs to know. Hi Isla, that’s hard that you don’t feel there is anyone to talk to. Finally, often we never know ‘exactly what happened’. has been a subject that has made me very distressed and in the past I would have what I now realise to be low key flashbacks to being raped or sexually assaulted. It seems there was a traumatic experience with your cousin (which alone would be enough to cause other symptoms and for your brain to register a trauma). I wake up thinking about things my father said or did. I believe if i begin to record these boughts of intense fear i may be able to find a pattern and with that pattern i can start focusing on memories of my childhood. And the best thing you can do is to take these symptoms seriously, and look at reaching out for support. Find a counsellor or therapist you think you might learn to trust over time and start attending sessions and building a relationship where you can start to be yourself and examine how to raise your self-esteem and start making choices that are supportive over destructive. i love my mom, but when i was younger she put me and my siblings in some unsafe situations. It also sucks cus I have the worst relationship with my mom so I can’t talk to her about it. Yes, I am a journalist Click here to confirm you are a journalist. I guess in some ways I’m really just textbook, fear of intimacy etc. He treated me as if I was just another girl. Question we didn’t answer? Low and behold it was a radio shake recorder and the 5 year olds confession. later on bit by bit i’ll remember a touch, a nickname and then i was still. My memories of this are so foggy and I don’t remember the consequences or any action that followed. Is there free counselling at your high school or university? You might even find it harder to reach goals or move forward in life. It sounds like you are really struggling with anxiety and self-esteem issues. Another thing I’ve never been able to explain is throughout my lifetime, there have been a few moments where a sudden wave of uneasiness, homesickness, uncomfortableness hits me out of nowhere. I keep having what i call nightmares that seem so real. And spending all our energy trying to know exactly what happened actually backfires, as it takes away the energy we could be using to instead reach out and seek support. The man was seemingly nice… and the woman seemed to always leave the room as if she knew what was about to happen. I don’t go out or call family or friends like I used to. There is absolutely no need to feel weird or ashamed, therapists hear far, far worse all the time, and most young women have had a confusing and upsetting sexualised experience growing up, if not several, it’s unfortunately quite ‘normal’…a therapist won’t judge. I was at the stage where I was just barely starting to recognize and accept the abuse, and CBT harmed that by encouraging me to second-guess myself and return to the old ways of thinking that relied on the baseline idea that I was being too negative. If you don’t want to go through your school, you can also tell your GP you need mental health support, although the waiting lists can be long with the NHS. And then to constantly commit to taking good care of ourselves from now on, and being kind and compassionate to ourselves. I also associate children with sex more than is deemed acceptable and this has led me to wonder about it too. Content is produced by editor and lead writer Andrea Blundell, trained in person-centred counselling, and overseen by Dr Sheri Jacobson, clinical director, retired BACP senior therapist & host of TherapyLab. But I don’t want to keep trying when my experience tells me that I’m more likely to be actively hurt than helped by professionals. And the best thing we can possibly do when we are suffering (and obviously, you are suffering here) is to do whatever we can to shift our focus from ‘what happened’ to ‘what can I do to help myself manage’. I was spanked with a belt by my father numerous times. If you are lucky enough to be in one of the areas that now provides it you can even now self refer so you can skip talking to your GP. I feel like what i believe has happened is not valid because i have no one to verify that this man exist. And find out I’ve found out that I have a sign of having PTSD and I’m sure what to do. My Mum says I was very sad when Dad was arrested but I don’t remember how I reacted to it. My family was very Christian, especially my mom, who did talk to me about sex, but in a very Christian way (it’s for moms and dads, it’s pleasant once it happens and it should happen in marriage and in marriage only). He said in a soft voice, even though we were completely alone, “Just between you and me, you’re doing a much better than *name of other student*.” When my mom recalls when I stopped working with him, she said that my decision was very abrupt and final and she worried something like sexual abuse had happened. We do understand it can feel like it if you were bought up in a culture or family that has ideas about sex being ‘bad’, or if you were abused and are experiencing shame, even though nothing is your fault. Honestly I wasn’t even afraid of it – I assumed what I was experiencing was normal, and was part of growing up. Now thinking about it that is very troubling coming from a child that young (i was younger than 10). You can also go to their site to have a online chat. It worries me this might suggest she was abused. I do remember very strongly seing my dad watch porn. And yet how wonderful he believes you and cares so much about your family. On finding all their faults, on scanning for any nuances to show they are ‘just like the others’, on trying to find evidence they are not trustworthy? Many of us never have clear memories. When he would stay the night, he would sneak into my room and do things that made me feel as if he started falling for me. They can even arise as a response to strict upbringings, like a from of rebellion. My panic attacks are extremely worse and I don’t know how to get the answers I need/want. Sometimes I get overwhelmingly sad because I’m my heart I know something happened, I just cant remember what or by whom. He said I could play but it was a secret so I couldn’t even tell my two favorite cousins Peanut and Coda bear(childhood nicknames). Once, I recall, I was getting changed in my bedroom and my father tried to get in. It makes you much more aware of your thinking, too, so that when are triggered you can go into self care mode before you find yourself in pieces. Or just memory loss? For example you admit later in your story that you ‘sexually violated (your) brother’ because you ‘didn’t know better’. What if u think u might have been molested but u don’t remember everything and sometimes u forget prices until something makes u remember and the person who did it was always drunk so u don’t know if they remember and there sober now and each totally different around u,because I remember he used to touch my thies and he used to tickle me under my skirt or dress but he’d put his hand a little too high up and it felt like he was rubing my vagina and he always offered me a drink so I soon became his drinking buddy and There was this one time I was in the dinning room looking out the window and I was only wearing a shirt and underwear and I felt something a little wet and warm touch my back and when I turned back around he was fixing his underwear so I don’t really know what happened there and I was looking at the symptoms that are listed and I have almost all of them and I can only masturbate to forced to fuck porn and daddy forces daughter porn and every time I watch it I start to cry unconciusly like there’s a tear but I’m not aware of it until it starts streaming down my face and I feel really bad after I’m done watching my porn and through out most of my memories about stuff like that I start to lose memory or the memory gets blury. I wanted to walk away, but he called me and said he wanted to show me something. Recently and at a snail’s pace, a curiosity or question of “I wonder if I was abused popped up”. You deserve it. It’s beautiful and searing honesty. Google for one who deals with long-term PTSD and see what you find… and not to ‘toot our own horn’ (as we want you to find the person who is right for you regardless) but our new sister site offers phone and Skype therapy worldwide, Ever since I’ve felt good around my sister and we’ve grown closer then when I was a bit younger. I have absolutely no income of my own, so can’t afford private counselling at all. I am not willing to go back to a system that’s proven to consistently treat me like I’m lying or too damaged to be believed, as well as invalidating my own gender identity because of my past. Be wary of the type of therapy you are trying. I always do remember myself as a very aggressive person when I get really mad and sometimes out of the no where I used and still do get mad. After the breakdown, I told him that I thought I had been raped by my father. There might alternately be a counsellor at school, which you could look into, but you would need to feel comfortable talking to them. We are so glad to hear you are getting the support you need on this. coming around my mother, sleeping over… and i have a temper i will admit. Small bits and pieces are slowly coming back. I don’t know if my mind made it up to make sense of my intense hug anxiety and not bleeding for first time sex. I don’t remember much else other that my cousin Peanut coming in to me having my under wear at my ankles, I had been wearing a dress. Im terrified of him and seeing him makes me want to throw up. Hi, I’m in my 50’s and recent events and revelations have made me question whether I may have been sexually abused when I was a child. Apparently they were these “real” men. And I have no one to take advice from or tell. But it might not work so well if all your memories are only fragments, but worth chatting to a therapist who offers EMDR about. How long did you stick it out for? Hi. I don’t ever remember it happening again and I also don’t remember how I felt at the time. A school counsellor? We sometimes used to do it together. You can challenge what your therapist says, you don’t have to agree. Something else that in hindsight is odd, I have quite disordered eating where I often starve myself with the wish to look like a child, I literally want to look like a twelve year old. Incredibly so. Working with a counsellor or therapist who understands trauma can be a much more powerful way to move forward. You are a remarkable person doing the best she can. I used to raise farm animals but recently sold them all. My abuse was sexual, physical and emotional from many abusers. Hi there MC. We are sorry to hear all this Donovan. Best, HT, Hey, I’m 29 years old now. He then touched me and said that he will show me. We do hope you consider it. I need help in figuring this out please reply. Although I have a very perverted mind I can never imagine myself having sex with anyone, I make up fictional characters that I picture in my place. A gratitude practise can help here as can mindfulness meditation. There’s nothing wrong with it. I buried my suspicions a long time ago but they are surfacing again beyond my control. And sexual abuse is one of the most traumatic emotional experiences a person can go through. but this article sheds light on something I didn’t think was real, so thank you all for that. Thank you. Thats where everything goes black, but not the normal falling asleep black. Permission to say you were abused? Because my family is pretty close. Many abuse sufferers experience this. So it’s not strange. What is holding you back from discussing all this with your therapist? She tells her story for the first time What should I do? I became so paranoid that this was a flashback and in a way it was but I’m not sure it’s accurate. I can’t actual say out loud what my fear is it’s hard to write. Hello. No-one seems to have the professionalism and needed actions I would need. when i attended the university i lived far from home and i met bad people i used to have sex with them eventhough i didn’t want to and after the act i feel guilty and as if it was not me doing these things ,”yes i used to please organs ” during that period i met someone in my life and to whom i lied about my past but he hacked my FB account and he saw the conversations and bit by bit i started to tell him about my life .. he helped me alot and we visited a psychologist and i met her alone and i told her that i sometimes dream with an old man and he scaries me and i don’t know whom that man and i don’t know why i used to have sex with many persons with no reason. I’m just really needing to know what actually happened and if I was molested more than 1 time or what was going on. I am not abusive to anyone but obviously I know that I am not a joy to be around, when anything can trigger my PTSD. I really wish this wasn’t on my mind at the moment, but i don’t know how to make it go back to the bottom of my mind where it belongs. It mostly bothers me with his situation, though, since my mom found out and he said to her when it happened that I wanted to see him exposing himself. But that is a choice you are actually making. We’d suggest that you seek support over this with a counsellor or therapist or even local support group. Who knows… However, after reading all of the indicators of sexual abuse above I pretty much tick all of the boxes and have had this concerning thought clouding my mind for a while now as to whether I was infact sexually abused as a child? I’m looking into therapy, but I’m afraid of talking about this because I’m ashamed and I think it’s all really weird. These can include: The trauma of sexual abuse leads to many other psychological issues. It is frustrating for many of us to not be able to know exactly what happened in our past, but it’s sadly the nature of the human brain to often block out or rewrite things that it finds too difficult. And being sexually assaulted at 13 is itself hugely damaging. We wish you courage. And then don’t feel comfortable telling their parents if something goes wrong, as in your story. When I was young, 6 or 7, I used to make my dolls have sex. Nobody is ‘crazy’ for what they remembered or worry happened to them. I have had ther sexual abuse done to me and i was raped but that dream disturbs me the most. It’s hard to hear that you feel that you can’t talk to anyone. It’s like I don’t know how to say no. We wish you courage! You are also making big assumptions, but it’s clear they come from a lot of anger, which is understandable. Even your perspective. Then I started thinking of the men my grandfather lived with (my uncles) and they were weird too, like always felt like they watched me and one, would take picture of me because he was an aspiring photographer back then. I am 16 and feel as if I was molested around age 7-10. Hi Diane, thanks for this brave sharing. We’d highly advise you seek professional support over this, as it’s clear you are unhappy and anxious and suffering low self-esteem. Nobody is good enough. I so want to ask my sister, but i’m very nervous to go digging in a place that i feel my brain is trying to help me forget. People can become used to us being a certain way then when we decide to grow and heal it can shake them up. Any suggestions or advice? Read our article on therapies that actually work for trauma I think I opened my mind to the possibility of sexual abuse having been happened to me when my mother made a comment in passing (which I was disgusted by) that when I was a toddler, my grandfather would ‘pat,’ my diaper. It’s not a good idea to accuse someone of something if it puts your wellbeing at risk. We are sorry to hear your wife is considering separating. The comments on there led to my google search of something, and then I came here and read this article. The counsellor at school might be able to help you find someone, or, if you are at college yet, most colleges and universities now provide low-cost counselling for students. I’m not sure what to do I feel as if every I might just take my anger out on the people I love and end up pushing them away…There’s a lot more to this of course but this is what I can type down. And believe it or not, you can heal without knowing what happened exactly. 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